When you can't stop thinking about "What If?"

It’s 3am; you’re wide awake, tossing and turning in your bed in an attempt to fall asleep.

What are you thinking about? Where is your mind wandering off to?

I know for some people, myself included, my mind wanders to the small or large filing cabinet labeled, “what if,” which I keep buried in the back of my mind.

What if I didn’t push you to the point of no return that one night over a year ago? What if I had tried harder? What if I had only showed more support?

If “what ifs” could kill, how many of us would survive?

Don’t get me wrong; there are some things that are inevitable, out of our control and happen in order to help us grow. It’s not the situation itself; it’s the thought of what we could have done to change the outcome that slowly kills us.

Sadly, that’s life. You win; you lose; you break, and you over-think until you can’t think anymore. 

What would the value of happiness be if you didn’t experience the sadness that allows you to appreciate it?

As we grow older, it’s important to realize you cannot control everything that happens to you; you can only take it as a lesson learned and apply it to your life.

So, maybe the next time someone comes up to you with a problem, you don’t pretend to listen in hopes he or she will feel better automatically and everything will be okay. Maybe you will stop beating yourself up over what you could’ve, should’ve or would’ve said in the moment when you had the chance. Maybe you find peace and move on.

If only we could replace all of our “what ifs” with “oh well.”

Late-night “what if” thoughts stem from a number of different factors, but self-doubt and regret are two of the biggest culprits.

Self-doubt

The self-doubt we have is what drives us to insanity. Society is partly to blame. Without these “societal rules,” double standards and fairytale endings, maybe we could take everything for what it actually is and move on. 

We are taught to think we aren’t good enough, pretty enough or smart enough. We are taught no one will like us unless we look a certain way or act a certain way. This is what society had taught us all as we were growing up.

Although there will always be someone who is better than you in every aspect of life, it is up to you to shine through your self-doubt and live a life you’re happy with. Once you realize you are not the one to blame, and life just happened to take over, you will be at ease.

Regret

Regret comes in many shapes and forms. Living without regret is much easier said than done. I have never met a person who has no regrets. Everyone regrets something he or she has done in the past, even if it was something as small as forgetting someone's birthday.

You have to accept the fact that you regret things and keep those things in the past. Making peace with your regrets is what sets you free 

The problem with “what if” is, usually, by the time these thoughts surface, it’s too late. Most of the “what ifs” our minds dwell on come about because we held back. We didn’t say what we wanted to say in that moment, and now, we can’t stop thinking about what would’ve happened if we did.

We get held back from sharing our true feelings because maybe we were embarrassed or unsure of how the other person would respond.

At the end of the day, it’s simple: We held back. We didn’t say what we wanted to say, and now, we might never have the chance to. Unfortunately, there is no solution for the “what ifs” that fill our minds at 3am. However, you must tell yourself what has passed has passed, and there’s nothing you can do to change it.

Remember, life doesn’t throw anything at you that you cannot handle. Every “what if” you think is not an opportunity to throw yourself a pity party, but rather, an opportunity to grow, learn and better yourself for the future.

Through all the “what ifs,” be thankful because everything you have encountered and experienced thus far in your life has made you the person you are today, and it can only get better!  

DancingBlood

June 2015

Understanding your "WHY"

I have spent a large majority of my waking time trying to work on strategies and directions, both in my personal life and work. Sure, we need a plan, we need the right execution, timing is everything, great, we're all set! Or so we think...

Not too long ago, I was asked a very simple question: WHY do you do the things you do? Was it about money? Success? Reputation? No, that's not it, but what is it? Why do we do the things we do and what keeps us driving it day on day making sure it succeeds? 

Every organization talks about a vision. A master-plan that we envision of what we will become in the grand scheme of things. This is the "why". Usually a vision is conceptualize by the leaders of the organization and communicated to all levels with the expectations that people at ground level will subscribe and believe in it. Most, unfortunately, do not. The reason is simple; they either have different goals in life or it is quite simply too far fetched and meant for a perfect world which we all know we do not live in. Therefore 99% of visions are created and believed by only that 1%. The odds will tell you that this will not work. 

Which brings me back to my original question. What is your WHY? What do you REALLY want?  If you don’t know why you are doing something, why would you do it?  Why do you get up and go to work everyday?  What do you want out of life?  Going through the process of discovering your WHY can hit really deep for some people.  The whole purpose of understanding your WHY is really about uncovering what you truly want in your life, and that will be the catalyst to get you to do the things you need to do.

Discovering your WHY is discovering your Purpose. Only when we understand our purpose and what makes us who we are, can we embark on a journey to realize our vision. In this new Y-Generation, I see lots of young, enterprising people skip from job to job, career to career in search of their whys. Most have not found it, many aren't even trying to look for it. They progress through their career with one simple goal in mind - how do I increase my earning power? At some point, they would start to feel almost meaningless, the constant change, the having to continually prove yourself, it'll all start to take its toll and you'll be left asking yourself...why? 

If only, they had started with the WHY instead of HOW, I'm almost certain that things would have taken a different course. Leading your own life is no different from leading an organization. We need to spend some time to determine what really matters to us, what motivates us to do things differently from others and to constantly do it better and faster? All Leaders at some point, will question their own ability to lead and likewise, do not fret if you find yourself questioning the reason for your existence. It is normal and quite frankly, a good starting point that you will need to endeavor.

German philosopher Frederick Nietzsche once said, "He who has a why can endure any how." Knowing your why is an important first step in figuring out how to achieve the goals that excite you and create a life you enjoy living. Remember, this is about YOU, no one else can do this for you. Indeed, only when you know your "why" will you find the courage to take the risks needed to get ahead, stay motivated, and move your life onto an entirely new, more challenging, and more rewarding trajectory path. 

Time to ask yourself these questions:

What makes you come alive?

What actually inspires you? Accordingly when you are working toward things that inspire you, it literally makes you feel more alive.  What makes you come alive isn’t referring to taking your dream holiday or watching your favorite team play football. It’s bigger than that. I’m talking about a why that moves up the food chain from being about you to being about something bigger than you. It’s about connecting with what you’re passionate about, knowing that when you focus your attention on endeavors that put a fire in your belly, you grow your impact and influence in ways that nothing else can.

What are your innate strengths?

What are the things you’ve always been good at? Are you able to see patterns and opportunities amidst complexity? Are you creative, naturally adept at coming up with out of the box solutions? We need to ask ourselves what is the point at which natural talent and skill meets personal passion. Let's call this our "natural element". When people are in their natural element, they are not only more productive, but they add more value and enjoy more personal and professional fulfillment. Remember this, "Find your element and you'll find yourself!" Of course, you can also be passionate about things you have no natural talent for, and talented at things for which you hold little passion. However experience has shown me that we rarely aspire toward ambitions we have no natural talent to achieve.

Where do you add the greatest value?

Doing work that you’re good at, but which you hate, is not a pathway to fulfillment. That said, knowing your greatest strengths and where you can add the most value (through the application of your education, skills, knowledge and experience) can help you focus on the opportunities, roles where you are most likely to succeed. With success, I am certain you will find a greater sense of accomplishment and contribution - A purpose. Too often we undervalue our strengths, skills and the expertise we naturally acquire over time. You can also ask yourself what problems you really enjoy solving, and what problems you feel passionate about trying to solve.  You’ll then be more successful at focusing on your natural strengths and those things you’re innately good at than trying to bolster or eliminate your weaknesses. Remember, we all get better over time and add value through each problem we solve.

How will you measure your life?

People who don’t stand for something, can easily fall for anything. Deciding how you want to measure your life means making a stand for something and then living your life in alignment with it. Ultimately, living with purpose means focusing on things that matter most. Ironically, the things that matter most are rarely “things”. We're all too accustomed to the notion of what money can't buy and it is quite right to say that the best things in life...well, money can't buy. Figure out what you want to see yourself as or what you want others to see you as eventually and you're already in the right direction. Remember, following the money and following your heart don’t have to be mutually exclusive. By shifting the lens in which you view what you are doing now, you can profoundly shift your experience of it. No matter what your job is, you can draw meaning from it and find greater purpose through how you do what you do.

As you move forward with positive change in your life, the lessons you have learned along the way will help you remain aware of how old mindsets can try to drag us back to a place of comfort - where we just repeat the same old behaviors and think the same old thoughts. You'll need to break free from such habits and constantly focus your attention on realizing your purpose. Remember that you may feel stretched from time to time, a norm with taking on new challenges. But I assure you that at the end of the day, when you have realized your why, the satisfaction you would have achieved would make this all worthwhile! 

Believe in yourself, Believe in your purpose, so that others may believe. 

DancingBlood

March 2015

In tribute to Mr. Lee Kuan Yew, in whom we would never stop believing.

A New Beginning

When you hit rock bottom, there is no other way but up. 

2014 was a torrid year. Let's face it, we've fire-fought the entire year. made mistakes after mistakes, had problems in the least expected places, friendships severed and worst of all the passing of a truly loved family member. Could it have gotten any worse? At a point, I felt completely broken down by the events of the year and at the brink of giving up. 

They say that when God closes doors, he opens a window. In all fairness, it felt more like he slammed it right in my face multiple times and I still reel from the pain by just thinking of it. But open a window, he did. Just barely at the point of breaking, a miracle suddenly happened. What seemed like an eternity of suffering suddenly felt like much needed relief. Reinforcement was on its way and it came in the least expected of forms - My second son telling me it was going to be ok. 

Never underestimate the power of a child. It was as if he possessed the ability not only to read my mind but to also fore-tell the near future. In a short few weeks, everything started coming into place in the most miraculous of manners. I cannot begin to describe exactly what he did, but I can tell you that simple sentence had somehow made me feel that everything was about to change. We have all experienced that moment of clarity. An Epiphany where you suddenly see what you need to do and how to go about doing it. That sentence from my 8 year old made it all possible.

I have friends who are in the process of great changes currently. A new house, new job, new marriage or newly single. I know most of them are in some form of pain or fear and wondering what they might need to do from here. I strongly encourage you to look at this in the right context. THIS IS A NEW BEGINNING and the start of a wonderful chapter in your book of life. While it is never easy to start on something new, every new beginning comes with the promise of a better tomorrow. We are certainly older, wiser and visibly clearer with what we want. In a way, you are already better equipped than you ever were, to fight the battle ahead.

 

Why worry about what others might think or problems that are no longer yours to deal with? Does it really matter? Why not focus your energies on the one(s) around you and deal with the problems that you CAN solve? Remember, if you can't solve the problem, then it is not your problem to solve.

We are now in the beginning of 2015 and even though it has only been less than a month, I have strong reasons to believe that this year will be a fantastic year ahead and the start of a new beginning. 

Let's work hard to make this the best chapter of our lives! 

Happy 2015!

DancingBlood

January 2015

The Importance of Family

The family bond, one of the greatest miracles that God had given us. Yet all too often, we tend to take that for granted...until it becomes too late. 

Growing up as an only child, it didn't take much for me to realize what was missing when I looked around and observed the lives of people around me. Coupled by the fact that my family (Parents vs Uncles and Aunts) had a falling out early in my life, I virtually grew up a lonely child. Always seeking the attention of people I regarded as family yet very rarely receiving the kind of affirmations that I needed. My parents were extremely busy entrepreneurs for as long as I could remember and very rarely had the time of day to read my a bedtime story, much less cuddle and comfort the child that I was. I remembered a time when all I wanted was their attention and would do everything I could to try and get this, ultimately falling sick and landing up in the hospital with suspected meningitis. Yet they never came home, and left me in the care of a family friend while they continued with their travels. Gosh, those were certainly experiences I wished I never had; but like everything else, it worked out in the end and was probably instrumental in why I have my 4 beautiful kids today.

These days, however, it would seem that those tables are turned. Both my wife and I are traveling and bogged down by work so much that we have been involuntarily guilty of neglecting our kids. Guess who comes to rescue? My parents. The once upon a time, too busy to think of you kinda parents have now taken on the role of being super grand parents, ferrying my kids to their sports training, school activities, and even tuition classes! In tiny Singapore, you would be amazed at the mileage you start to chock up just fetching the kids on a daily basis. I wished they gave out Krisflyer miles for such trips for then I'll be in the Solitaire club for sure! Jokes aside, I am extremely thankful for the support that my parents have given us and the effort they put in just trying to "make up" for what I never had. I am truly amazed at how close we've become because of my kids. The common goal that every parent and grandparent will have is giving what they believe is best to their child / grandchild. I cannot emphasize enough how truly blessed we are just having such a fantastic support system in place...and when I look at the way my mother stares at my son, it reminisces what I had and still have today. It is a beautiful sight. 

My children will perhaps never know how much they have contributed to strengthening our family and keeping it as a single unit. I can only hope that one day, they would realize how beautiful it is to have children of their own, and to give my wife and I the opportunity to become the same supportive grandparents that we now aspire to be.

Younger people these days often consider family a burden over themselves and try to get away from them. I see many of our friends opting to remain single or married ones that decided against having children. What they fail to see, is aside from the added chores and financial commitments, a family ultimately gives you direction, and purpose in life. It makes you the "Superhero" that you have always wanted to be. Hearing kids say that when they grow up, they want to be exactly like daddy may seem a little cliche, but when they are YOUR KIDS, it would never fail to water your eyes each and every time. A little hug, the pecks on your cheek, the way they hold on to your pinkie, makes it all worthwhile. I would never exchange this for anything in this world.

Many of us have had bad patches with our parents over the years, that is normal after spending our entire lives with them. This does not change the fact that they are still the closest people to us. When you are disillusioned by the outside world, your family is always there to fall back on. You family always accepts you with all your mistakes and weaknesses and still loves you. No one in the world would do that. There is never a substitute for the love of a mother or father and I've been fortunate enough to still have all 4 parents / parents-in-law around. My goal is to continue keeping them safe and sound for as long as God permits.

When Everything Seem To Go Wrong

There are times when I personally wonder if Murphy's Law of how everything that can go wrong will go wrong was created specifically with me in mind.  

It's the dreaded June - July peak summer months and a period where everything no matter how carefully planned and executed will go wrong. It would seem that all effort spent in the last 6 months preparing was quite simply a waste of time. It had me thinking long and hard. The only conclusion that I am led to believe is that the harder you try, the more you'll fail. There's simply no beating it, no matter what you do! 

Then it suddenly struck me; maybe I was never suppose to beat this. Perhaps the mindset that I should have adopted from the start is that this is but a yearly journey, a rite of passage, an annual pilgrimage that I need to face up to and endure. This is the time of the year where we separate the men from the boys. A trial of fire that can only result in shaping up the person that we ought to be in time to come. Only when we start questioning our own competence, determination and desire to right the wrongs that we become better at what we do. After-all, it is only when our limits are fully tested do we  come out being stronger than before. 

Indeed, 2014 has thus far has been a truly challenging year for me. I have been certainly humbled by the various shortfalls in expectations that I had envision at the start of the year and looking back at the last 6 months, a multitude of lessons that will continue to remind me of how far I off I am from my vision.of things. Perception is merely another form of deception. The more we perceive things to be, the more we are in actual fact deceiving ourselves from reality. Instead of our own perceptions or the perceptions of what others say, we should always take a closer look at the cold hard facts of where we are and where we need to go. 

They say that "hope isn't a strategy". Yet how often do we place our faith in the hope that things will somehow work out? I used to think that if you try hard enough and stay faithful on your desired course that things can and will only get better. Well, that is the epitome of hope, isn't it? We can never control the numerous other factors that will come into play and while you can spend your entire time trying to envision and plan for contingencies, experience has taught me that sometimes you just have to play the cards you are dealt with...even if it means losing. What is important is how we choose to accept defeat and moving on from there. Once again, it is all in the mind, is it not? Going through such situations will no doubt provide you with all the "first-hand" experience that will only serve to make you smarter, faster and better at what you do. A priceless lesson that will only serve to sweeten the taste of victory when you finally do get it done right! 

So bring it on...give me all you've got! I WILL CONQUER you one day; and when I do, I will remember this day and reminisce all that you've done for me. For you have made me stronger, smarter and even more determined to be the person that I can eventually be proud of! 

Learning it the Hard Way

Let's face it. People FAIL. We have all failed miserably at some point of our lives and will continue to fail for as long as we all shall live. 

So it baffles me whenever someone that I've only recently met tells me that they consider me "successful". Let's be honest, why on earth would they consider ME successful?

What they do not see, and obviously not something that I would widely publicize, are the epic failures that I have had to go through to have what little success that I have today. When someone looks at me, do they see the pain I had to go through being bullied at school, living alone overseas for years with no friend or kin, or almost losing my life to drug abuse at the age of 18? No, they don't.  They probably chose to see what they want to see - my family, house, car, career and somehow assume that I have had it easy my whole life! Well, I assure you, that is simply not the case.

Over the years, I've been analyzing my failures trying to determine what went wrong and how to avoid those mistakes. While it is not easy to share one's failures and relive those memories, I truly believe that we can all learn a little from the experience of others

With the aim of helping others and inspired by a friend that I just got off the phone with, I've decided to summarize my top 5 reasons for failure.

In no particular alphabetical or order of importance: (Drum-roll please!)

#1 What Do You Think Of This?

All too often, we are subjected to the whims and fancies of others. Even when we choose to believe that we're not, the opinions of people matter to us. I've had my light bulb moments put out because I simply cared too much about the views of others or consulted the wrong person. I started to doubt my ideas in more ways than one. There were times when I would rescind on a decision for fear of offending others. On hindsight, it was clearly the wrong option and had led to many further complications that I had not foreseen initially. I had clearly lost the plot, all because I was too concerned about what others thought. While it is good to seek opinions when unsure, at some point, you have to realize that not everyone will agree with everything you say. If you need assurances from people around you all the time, you will never accomplish what you set out to do in the first place. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinions but yours will always be the most important!

#2 Now, Now, Now - I want it NOW!

In a world where time is of the essence, we tend to forget that the faster we climb, the harder we fall. Take the analogy of a stock investment portfolio - We are all too quick to applaud when we hear that someone doubled his capital in a year versus someone else that did so in 10 years.What we do not see is the obvious high risk stocks that are in the person's portfolio. That same person could lose everything the very next year, whereas the 10 year portfolio consisting of blue chips will probably continue to gain slowly but surely year-on end. THERE IS NO SUCH THING as instant success and even if there were, it is clearly unsustainable in the long run. It took a very hard lesson where I invested and lost over half a million dollars because I expected instant results and did not plan for the sustainability of a business I started in my mid 20s. It is a must to plan but always plan for the worst case scenario rather than the best. Always manage your own expectations before attempting to manage others. Someone once told me that there are many roads that lead to Rome; sometimes the longer ones will get you there faster. I couldn't understand the depth (or logic!) of that sentence when I was in my 20s. Now at 40, I am finally beginning to see the light.

#3 Fear of Failing or Trying?

I am truly frightened at the prospects of failing. Perhaps it is because I have failed so many times in my life that it has now become a phobia. Or perhaps it is the fact that I have so much more to lose today than I did 10 years ago that I cannot allow myself to fail. Every time I place my bets, my wager becomes higher and higher. Can I afford to fail? These thoughts drive me each and every day. It makes me jump out of the bed each morning, make the effort to plan my activities, pushes me to complete a task I wouldn't otherwise complete. Yes, I'll admit; I am TERRIFIED of failing, but that does not stop me from trying. The biggest regret you can ever have in your life isn't failing - It is FAILING TO TRY. There is a big difference between failing and failing to try. We give ourselves  excuses every time we want to avoid doing something not because we are scared to fail, but scared to try. We've all heard the common cliche - If we don't succeed, just try again. If you don't try, you'll never succeed. Trying = 50% chance of Success. Not Trying = 100% chance of Failure. You do the math!

#4 I Don't Want That Badly Enough!

As time progresses and after getting into a comfort zone, we tend to start getting too comfortable. The hunger and the drive that once was, have started to wane. Change and comfort are two variables that rarely go hand-in-hand. You can either be comfortable and refuse change or change and fore-go that comfort. I have never heard of a comfortable change. It rarely happens. Whether you're choosing to change your lifestyle, business directions and even your social circle, be prepared for the worst to happen! You'll have sleepless nights, high levels of stress and unwanted uncertainties. Change will never be easy and unless you want it badly enough, you would never be able to justify the effort and time spent at effecting the change. Therefore most people, including me in recent times, never seem to get started on it. My all too famous "Quit Smoking" campaign is one such example and I am ashamed to say that after 4 fruitless attempts - Patches, Gum, Cold Turkey and Hypnotism (Don't even start me on that!) I am unfortunately nowhere close to quitting. I've realized that the "Why" is more important than the "How". All these times, I was never close to quitting smoking because I couldn't convince myself WHY I needed to quit. Even though I had the "how" figured out by the 4 forms I described above, it was never going to work. I had failed before I even began! Once you want the change badly enough, aggressive action becomes an absolute necessity.

#5 How DARE You?!?

At times, I allow my emotions to get the better of me. I end up making decisions based on emotional choices rather than rational ones. Be it in investment, work or my family, I am in a position to make decisions that would affect the lives of everyone around me. It cannot be based upon how I am feeling at that very moment or at my whims and fancies. In my years of rashness, I once fired a managerial staff at the heat of the moment because of an argument over our difference in perspectives. It led to a mass resignation in one of my companies which took many years to recover. I continually asked myself to this very day how different things would have been if I only held my cool. It became clear to me from that point that controlling my emotions would be critical to effectively managing my organization. It was a painful lesson to learn but one that I would remember for the rest of my life. Emotions cloud your mind, always think clearly before you act.

Last but not the least, always evaluate your failures and mistakes like what I've done here. This is the only way to learn and identify where your own pitfalls are and how to avoid them moving forward. The last thing we want for ourselves is failing for the same reason over and over again. Only when we learn from our mistakes will we better ourselves for the people around us. 

Try, Fail, Learn, Succeed. 

In that order.

Have fun succeeding too! 

When Saying Sorry Is the Hardest Thing To Do

Almost 6 years ago, I met a very interesting person during a job interview. Let's call him Sam for simplicity reasons.  Sam had no qualification, no experience, a questionable background and had basically never held on to a job for more than 6 months. It was one of those interviews that should've lasted 10 minutes at the most. In fact, I was pretty sure my selection staff made a mistake or had simply wanted to make the numbers.

Yet during the interview, I saw a quality in Sam. He was obviously beaten down and had suffered repeated failure to a point where he was determined to turn his life around. All he was lacking, was an opportunity. If given the right opportunity, the right guidance, this man would be a fantastic General someday. A leader that could lead from the bottom up. I hired him without delay.

 

In the years that ensued, Sam worked his way up from a coordinator level position to a managerial one. He was given full support from our management team and was sent abroad for various training in our partner offices. I had, at the same time, extended a hand of friendship and treated him like a friend, more than a colleague. In our various conversations, we would always talk about his family, his life, his aspirations and goals and how different his current life was compared to when we first met. If anything, I was happy for him and wanted to see him continuing to excel in life. This was a very different Sam from the one I interviewed years ago. In all honesty, I was proud of him.

The one fine day, while I was away on a month long overseas trip, Sam resigned. Now, I have no issues with him leaving my organization. After all, it was never my intent to provide for him his entire life. Yet one could sense the malice in his actions, having left on such a hurry, serving out his notice before my return and worst of all, wiping out his secured files and backup in the aim of sabotaging the organization. Oh yes, it was certainly well planned and clearly displayed his lack of respect and gratefulness for all that was done for him. He avoided me like the plague from that day on without even so much as a message to account for what had happened. I could have taken legal action against him for what he did but that would have ruined his career and reputation in the industry. I was not prepared to destroy what I had spent years creating. I still considered him a friend and simply couldn't do it.

For the following year or two after, I would still, from time to time, relive the entire tenure in my mind. Was I trying too hard? Did I or someone else do something to him that led to such a "betrayal"? Was my friendship in the way of our working relationship? Mind you, I considered this the biggest setback of my entire career! Having spent years grooming someone to become part of my mid managerial team only to have him stab me in the back and work for the competition is not easy to swallow. Some of my staff would say that he got too big for his head and his pride coupled with embarrassment prevented him from talking to me face-to-face. I was truly disappointed and personally hurt without even knowing the reason why.

About a week ago, I got a call and saw a  once familiar number that had already been deleted from my address book. It was that magical moment, the moment he said the three golden words "I am sorry..." that suddenly gave me the closure that I badly needed. It made me feel that everything that I had suffered in the last few years was WORTH IT! Yes, I'll say it again, "IT WAS WORTH IT!". Sam had matured, he had stabilized, had learn the important lesson of putting aside his pride (it was always his biggest hindrance!) and admitting that he had made a terrible mistake. The last and final lesson that I was able to help Sam was one that lasted 3 years. I had gone through an onslaught of betrayal, criticism, work embarrassment, self-scrutiny, self-reflection and soul-searching for this. But you made this all worthwhile when you had finally proven to me that you are able to put aside your pride and focus on the greater good.

The call he made was not for me. It was for him. I could see clearly that he had been extremely conflicted in the last few years and he needed to finally make peace with himself. Just as how I had to go through the pain, anguish and a barrage of emotions in the years after, so did Sam. Making that effort to call required a GREAT DEAL of COURAGE. And I thank you for this.

For those that are equally conflicted or who have wronged someone in the past, I urge you to make peace with yourself. Pick up the courage that Sam had and make a difference in the person you wronged. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE to say those golden words "I am sorry...". You have no idea how long that person has waited to hear you say that and how much it will mean to both them and you. Remember always, you can never have have peace with others without making peace with yourself.

*I dedicate this blog entry to a mutual friend Maurice. Thank you for helping Sam learn this very important lesson and giving me the closure that I need. I am eternally grateful. 

The Difference Between Being Alive and Truly Living

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
                                --Howard Thurman

 

To be alive is to breathe. It’s to take in oxygen and release carbon dioxide. It’s to take in clean air and breathe out toxic air. It’s pretty much the easiest thing you do.

It’s so easy that a lot of us become pretty complacent in just doing that for the rest of our lives, just breathing in and out. Staring at computer screens, breathing in and out. Getting that degree your parents want, breathing in and out. Getting a job, breathing in and out. Walking home from work, breathing in and out. It’s no accomplishment to be alive. It’s no big thing to breathe, walk, run, feed yourself and sustain the necessary life support it takes to keep your body healthy and working. It’s really nothing that great to keep yourself alive, I mean, we all do it!

The really accomplished, the ones people talk about, are those who have actually learned how to truly live. Those who did more than just breathe in and out. Because there is a huge difference between being alive and living. To be alive is to be stagnant. It’s to let the current drag you through the rhythms and motions as you hold your breath. It’s standing still on the escalator that perpetually moves upwards. It’s letting people pull you towards the finish line, your body flopping unconsciously against the ground.

Living is something completely different. Living is taking someone’s breath away, losing your breath at moments and forgetting to breathe. It’s almost the opposite of being alive, because living will always be closer to death. Living is refusing to let the rhythms of life drown you into submission. Living is never missing a moment. It’s screaming in agony, gasping for breath. It’s laughing until you can’t catch your breath. It’s crying until you’d rather just never breathe again. It’s the feeling that everything could end in a moment and you’d be ready for it.

Living isn’t about preserving your breaths, counting them, watching them go in and out. It’s about forgetting to breathe, delving into passions and opportunities, swimming against the current and almost drowning. Living is what you do with those breaths, those moments. It’s how you make your own path, dance because there’s no other way to express yourself and experience heartbreak.

It’s loving your children so much it hurts, sacrificing your happiness for others and losing yourself in a guitar solo. It’s painting until you forget your sorrows, It’s burning out and falling down. It’s failing and fighting back. It’s running until you’re out of breath and passing out. It’s being wild and untamed. It’s never stopping, always looking and never be complacent.

Those who are just alive don’t notice the way the trees look when it rains or what it feels like to jump out of a moving plane. They don’t experience the pitfalls and the wonders of life. They never see the simple joys in the everyday things or create memories that will be recalled generations later. They never get lost in the moment or find themselves navigating foreign water. They never get surprised by the unknown and excited by the impossible. They never get there because they are too busy remembering to breathe.

Being alive is a pulse, truly living is a racing heart.

Being alive is living in comfort, truly living is breaking comfort zones.

Being alive is to seek understanding, truly living is always seeking answers.

But most importantly; being alive is holding on to the gift of life, truly living is finally understanding why you have been given this gift. 


It is time to Truly Live... 

10 Truths You Will Learn Before You Find Happiness

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”   

-Mahatma Gandhi

We are all beautiful human beings here in this world trying to find our way.  Every day we seek to better understand the meaning of our lives.  We long to discover our gifts and release them fully into the world, and we hope to find happiness and peace along the way.  For some of us the key to these desires rings loud and clear, driving what we do and how we do it.  For others, these deep seeded needs are buried below the noise of daily life, below ego, below fear, below the pressures and norms that we face in society.

Having spent most of my life in search of the elusive "Happiness", it took me a great deal of time to realize that happiness was something we needed to discover internally. It is neither from someone nor somewhere else. It is deeply seeded in the very fabric of our existence. Somewhat of a mindset from the rationalization of certain truths that we must begin to understand in order to be truly happy.

1.  It’s impossible for anyone else to define YOU.

You are indefinable.  You are the only one in this world who gets to say who you are.  Circumstances and the opinions of others can only define you if you allow them to.  Do not give away your power and the magic of your essence by putting weight on negative situations in your life or the negative words of other people.

2.  You were born with everything you need.

For crying out loud, there is nothing that you are missing! There is no need to frantically become obsessed with the idealism of change.  You are whole and complete; and were gifted every talent and insight you needed to thrive in this world in the moment you were born.  Your only job is to accept this truth and then allow it to unfold.  Some gifts don’t become apparent until later in life.  Some insights only become clear to you once you have life experiences that unlock such wisdom from within you.  Trust in this and relax.

 

3.  Perfection is a man-made illusion.

We are beautifully imperfect beings, operating in a very imperfect world, and that is just the way it is meant to be.  Striving for perfection is a hollow goal, one that can never be achieved.  Society shows us doctored images of perfection constantly in marketing, media, opinions and expectations.  Do not buy into this illusion; it will only lead you into darkness.  Embrace your quirks, your flaws and the fact that life is a roller coaster at times.  Strive for excellence, have high standards, but never confuse that with the crippling behavior of perfectionism.

4.  Creating positive energy.

You experience and create all kinds of different energies that affect how you feel and what you accomplish throughout your day. Some energies are powerful and easily recognizable, while others are more subtle and often only intuitively felt. I believe it is fair to say that everything is, in a sense, energy. The things you say, the things you think, the things you do. Even the things you don't do, all produce energy that impacts you and the people around you. If you work on creating more positive energy, you’ll see improvements in your life and you’ll touch more lives than you ever thought possible.

5.  Your beliefs can be modified to lift you up.

Whatever you believe to be true about yourself and life in the long-term becomes your reality.  Your beliefs are ingrained patterns of thinking that you build up over a lifetime.  They are habitual ways of processing the world around you.  If those beliefs don’t work in your favor, you can change them.  How?  In the very same way the negative beliefs formed in the first place – via repetitive thoughts that you accepted to be the truth.  Ingrain new beliefs by consciously choosing and repeating messages that lift you up.

6. Let go of the past, live for the moment.

Now is the moment.  The past is just a memory.  The future is a mental projection.  You can choose to dwell back in the past for learning and joyous reflection.  You can choose to dwell in the future for visualization and practical planning.  However, any time your awareness floats away to the past or future frequently for negative purposes, you are suffocating your ability to thrive in the only moment you ever have, NOW.  Past and future literally do not exist right now – feel the freedom in this truth.

7.  Fully express who you already are.

Don't waste your time being someone else you're not. All too often, I see people idolizing and wishing they were someone famous like Li Ka Shing or Warren Buffet. Will you truly be happy if you had their same problems and stress? The world will never see another human being like you.  There is no one on the face of the planet that has what you have.  Your uniqueness, in every respect, is your gift.  Life asks one thing of you, to be the full expression of yourself so that you can leave your unique imprint on all those you encounter and upon the world.  Never underestimate the power of your energy and how it ripples outwards to affect everything and everyone around you – IF you are being your full, authentic self.  Honor your intuition and act upon all your inspirations.

8.  Challenges are gifts for your growth.

Without challenges you cannot unlock your full potential.  Obstacles are opportunities for growth.  The world needs the fullness of who you are, and it is through your experiences in life that you unfold into that fullness.  How can you demonstrate willpower and strength if your resolve has never been tested?  How can you role model love and compassion if you have never faced hate or deceit?  Knowing there is a higher purpose within dark times, is what leads you to be at peace in the midst of those storms, knowing that you are a diamond being forged under pressure.

9.  Forgiveness is choosing happiness over hurt.

We do not forgive others in order to free them of the situation, burden, guilt or regret.  We forgive others to free ourselves and walk into compassion and love by doing so.  It is in freeing ourselves that our energy level rises, our consciousness rises, and in doing so those around us benefit too.  The words of forgiveness have a positive impact on those we forgive, but ultimately forgiveness is a choice that allows us to be happy again.  This goes for both forgiveness of others and forgiveness of self.

10.  Surrender is the essence of a happy life.

Letting go is not giving up.  Letting go is surrendering any obsessive attachment to particular people, outcomes and situations.  Surrender means showing up every day in your life with the intention to be your best self, and to do the best you know how, without expecting life to go a certain way.  Have goals, have dreams, aspire and take purposeful action, but detach from what life must look like. The energy of someone aspiring to create their dreams, teamed with surrender, is far more powerful and creative than someone determined to create outcomes with a desperate ‘must have’ mentality.  Surrender brings inner peace and joy, and lest we forget that our outer lives are a reflection of our inner state of being. 

Inspired by: Bernadette Logue, author and Peak Performance Coach of Pinch Me Living

The Spirit of Christmas

Had a torrid time trying to update my blog when I moved it recently and was suddenly confronted by an endless barrage of error messages. This made me revert to my old address and I do apologize for the delay in this entry.

Nonetheless, I'd like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and like all Christmases, it is truly a great holiday season to spend with family or loved ones taking a well deserved break from work.

Parties, countdowns, gift exchange, it is sometimes unavoidable to get caught up with the festivities and forget the meaning of Christmas. Aside from the biblical significance and the birth of Christ, Christmas for me always meant reliving the spirit of Santa. A time to surprise our friends and loved ones with thoughtful gifts and spread the message of giving.

 

While wrapping our presents together this year, my wife and I spent a great deal deciding on what Santa will be getting for our kids this year. We went into great detail deciding if each child was well behaved and the kind of present that would be significant, meaningful and endearing to them. You see, we still want our kids to believe in Santa and the meaning behind receiving a Santa's gift each year. And indeed, nothing beats seeing their joy each Christmas morning when opening their presents and hearing our Christmas message to them each year. This year, we felt it was time to share with our kids the story behind the white envelope project. If you haven't heard about it, please click on the link.

 

Each year, we would challenge our kids to do something worthwhile and meaningful for someone they care about. It could be for a friend in school, a teacher or family member. It doesn't matter if it's a small gesture, a gift of love or something they really needed, nothing is too small when it comes from the heart! Once this is done, write it down on a piece of paper and seal it in a white envelope. When Christmas comes along, we'll place these envelopes on the tree and relive them during Christmas day. Just as Santa is busy planning out gifts for children around the world, our kids need to start planning their white envelopes in advance so that we continue to bring about the joy of Christmas for everyone around us. We promised that these envelopes would be sent to the WE project and Santa would know what they had done this year.

 

I don't know how long our kids will continue believing in Santa. As a parent, I hope I can continue helping them understand the spirit of Christmas. And as long as we remember that Christmas is about bringing joy to the people around us, we have proven and will continue to prove that Santa does exist!

 

Merry Christmas Everyone and Here's to a wonderful 2014!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Governed by Fear!!!

Too often the decisions we make are out of fear. Fear clouds objectivity and drives decisions from a negative perspective. Ever hear someone say that "I'm doing this because I'm scared that something will happen if I don't?" This is typically a fear driven decision that may address an issue in the short term, but it never solves the problem. Isn't it better to do something because you genuinely believe in doing it rather than because you fear its consequence? The action will be done but the motivation behind so doing will never be achieved.

Worst thing about fear? It keeps coming back to haunt you over and over again. If you don't break the cycle...very soon every decision you make, every mind-set you have will be fear driven. If you bring up your children to live in fear, they will never understand the courage of living. If you grab hold of someone for fear of losing, you will only lose that person even faster. Fear breeds uncertainty, negativity and disillusion. If left to manifest continuously, it will destroy hope, inspiration and most importantly the drive of living.

It is time to BREAK THE FEAR OF FEAR!

Let's challenge ourselves to a Paradigm Shift - I will do what I do because I believe that it is the right thing to do. In order to succeed, your desire for success must be greater than your fear of failure.

Believe in the death of fear rather than the fear of death!

True Qualities of Friendship

This post is dedicated to the ones that had stood by, provided that listening ear, the shoulder to cry on and hung in there through the tough times of my life. It is because of friends like you that moulded the person that I am and for that I am always thankful.

I cannot imagine where I would be today if not for a handful of close friends that had taught me the values of friendship.

It is only right for me to pen down these respected qualities that I value and love so much in the hope that one day, I may pay this forward and be that same pillar of strength for others as you were for me.

The Listening Ear

We should all know this: that listening, not talking, is how we show someone we really care. The true listener is able to understand, sympathize, share in the pain and let that person know that he or she is the most important person at that moment. Knowing that a friend is willing to stop everything just to listen to you goes a long way in showing how important that person is to you. The next time a friend is talking to you, try to focus your attention on everything he or she says and cut out all distractions.

Do not waste time thinking of how to respond, or to cut your friend off. Stop and truly listen.

Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends that listen to us are the ones that we move towards. When you are listening to someone completely and attentively, then will you understand the feeling of what is being conveyed. Not everything can be said in words. Sometimes the unspoken words are more important than what was spoken. You can and will only know this by truly listening.

Sometimes All We Need Is A Hug

Don't act like you're a human encyclopaedia. Yes you may have the perfect solution but do consider if that is what your friend really needs right now.  Be supportive, compassionate, sympathetic and most importantly be there when they need you most. Avoid solving the problem, but rather help them face it. Not everyone expects to be nagged at, put down or given a list of solutions when all they really need is a simple hug.

The world is often a cold and distant place. We build walls around us to keep others at bay. In the process we often lose what is most important. We get caught up in battles to survive. We forget that we need to do more than just exist. We need to live. This open and genuine gesture called a hug, can, if only for a moment, break down the walls that often separate us. A hug can momentarily bring two people back to the most basic reason for being. Never be afraid to give others a hug, it opens your heart and tells them that you really do care!

Don't Build Walls, Build Bridges

If you don’t let people in then you are essentially building a wall around yourself and closing yourself off to those who can help you. I have found that it is so much easier to let people in and open up to them because it helps you build deeper and more meaningful connections with them.  I’m not saying we should spill our whole life story to someone on the first meeting, but we should share ourselves with people who seem trustworthy and real.

These few are the ones worth taking the risk for. All people share similar dreams and wants. We all want to be happy, successful, and well liked. Likewise, we also share similar insecurities and struggles. Everyone has their own insecurities and instead of covering them up, we should work on overcoming them. We should all become a bridge for each other to overcome our obstacles together.

Radiate and Share Positive Energy

Negativity is extremely contagious and life is way too short to be surrounded by it. We all know of that one person who constantly complains, judges and sees the bad side of things. This is the person who constantly sees the glass half empty, not half full. These people are unhappy, and feel the need to drag everyone down with them. Drama seems to surround these people simply because they create it, no matter how many times they insist they hate drama.

Misery loves company. So, please don’t be that friend. Stay positive and surround yourself with positive, happy people and then you will attract those types of people to develop friendships with.

Don't be too Quick to Judge

Who would ever want all of their friends to have exactly the same personalities, interests, and values? I personally love the fact that I have friends from all over the world, who have all lived completely different lives and have drastically different stories to tell.

All of my friends are unique in their own way, which is what makes each friendship a little bit different. Respect originality and search for it. We shouldn’t judge our friends for the mistakes they make, or for making different life choices than we would make. Loving friends means allowing them to be themselves and not making them feel bad about being who they are.

Reach Out and Stay In Touch

It is certainly a lot easier to keep in touch with friends these days, thanks to the wonders of social networking. However, I do feel that we tend to lose that "personal touch" with our gadgets and apps.

Try this: if you feel a sudden urge to talk to a friend you haven’t seen in a while, stop what you are doing, pick up the phone and get in touch that friend.

Think about it; is it better to text "I miss you" or to say it to that someone in person? End of the day, nothing beats the feeling of hearing someone say to you that he or she cares enough about you to pick up the phone and call. I have many friends that I keep in touch via social networking apps but the greatest friendships are with those that take the effort to meet up and spend quality time together!  

Cliché as this may sound, I'd like to end this post by saying to those reading this, "Thank you for being my friend!"

The Long Road Home...

Tiredness. It's been almost a month since I left home and the constant travelling is starting to take its toll. My insomnia is getting from bad to worse and my body has to deal with only 3 hours of daily sleep at most. What's worst is that I can't seem to sleep when I should and stay awake when I have to. Jet lag doesn't last a month so this is something else altogether. I can't wait to get back to my family and routine.

 

Loneliness. Sitting alone in a small café far far away, sipping my favourite cup of cappuccino,  it dawned on me that my travel schedules are really starting to affect my kids. My eldest son cries every time I tell him I'm about to go overseas. My second son, he's been trying to keep his brothers in line constantly when I'm away and I can see that it's taking a toll on him. No.3 throws tantrums constantly and takes it out on the maids in his bid for attention and my youngest daughter repeatedly asks why Daddy isn't home. 

 

Guilt and Remorse. Then there's my loving wife who misses me 24/7 every single trip I take. She's dependent on me and for that I'm thankful. Yet, every time I leave, she gets anxiety attacks. It pains me to see her struggling with her work and our family all alone. If I could help it, I would rather she travels and I stay behind to take care of my work and our family. Unfortunately, until we find a way to merge our businesses, that simply isn't possible.

 

Epiphany. So what is the purpose of my post today? Often, we go about our schedules and forget about the people that matter most to us. We miss out on important events and give ourselves the excuse that we are simply too busy. Why should our family suffer at the expense of our career? Why do we expect our 5 year old child to understand that Daddy's not around for his birthday because he has to travel for work?

 

Realization. It's time to take a stand. No longer shall my family suffer because of my work. I either find a way to replace myself or manage the business in a more sustainable manner. I do not want to see my kids grow up thinking that Daddy's never around!

 

Resolution. In fact, I will make this a new year's resolution for 2014. I resolve to put my family above my career and to never miss another of my children's birthday.  Sitting alone in a café far far away, sipping my last sip of cappuccino, I am determined to make this work. Daddy will be coming home, Daddy will be around always... 

 

  

The Story of Weezer

Years ago while I was overseas studying, I remembered spending a lot of time online trying to connect with people that I knew back home. Back then, cell phones were not common and people were still in the age of pagers. The internet revolution had just started and everyone was in awe of a simple chat program called MIRC.

Yes, to those that remember MIRC, it was a privilege to walk into a room filled with hundreds of people to be able to say "Hello, how are you?" And to do so with people that I knew back home who could give me updates on the latest happenings meant that I could curb my homesickness.

In a little server known as Dalnet, I started being entrenched into Dalnet Singapore. Before long, I had gotten close to the people within the channel and moved from being a voice (+) to an AOP (@), SOP and eventually a co-founder of the channel. At its peak, we had over 300 people chatting at the same time! Yet somehow, we could remember everyone's nick, persona and even chat habits, which never ceased to amaze me. Over the years, I have had the opportunity to meet up with hundreds of chatters. Yet one such person whom I still think of today was called "WeeZeR".

Weezer was initially a typical TM (troublemaker). He would constantly come online and spoke badly about the people within the channel. From insulting, taunting and even flooding the channel, he was what we would call a classic problem child. In his late teens, he was arrogant, loud, full of anger and passionate about the guitar. Over the next 3 or 4 months, he started toning down his persona as he got to know the people in the channel. Simple hi-s and byes turned into interesting conversations about his studies, life and his passion for music. As we understood weezer better, we could feel that this young man had dreams and a direction to pursue. The only reason he started out as a TM was simply to be heard and acknowledged by the people in the channel. He would come in late at nights and was always happy to chat with anyone awake at that time. As we understood, weezer had left school and was in a transition of his life waiting to begin his pursuit of music.

Weezer had a date for everything. When you asked him when he intends to be a major rockstar, he would tell you "Bro, I want to become a rockstar by 2005." When questioned on why he is single and unattached, weezer would say that he will only find a girlfriend once his music career had taken off.

Even simple requests to meet up or have coffee would have to be "assigned" a date some 2 to 3 months later.

Naturally, we came to the conclusion that he was either:

1) An extremely organized young individual who had figured out his directions in life and had assigned a priority for everything around him.

2) He was a "loser" who was simply too afraid to meet up and get to know any of us IRL (in real life).

Some of us had chosen to believe the latter.

Then one day, Weezer came online and asked if everyone would meet him a week from now. Most of us started brushing him off jokingly telling him that we were either busy (work, family, friends) or to let us know where and when if he were serious about meeting up. I remembered clearly that weezer left that day feeling very dejected with a quit message that said something like "And I thought you guys were all my frens..."

Well, some 20 of us did indeed meet up with WeeZeR a week later but it was at his funeral wake held in Sin Ming. His sister came online a few days after he left to inform us of his demise and to invite us to see him for the very last time.

Apparently, Weezer had suffered and fought cancer for a few years before finally succumbing to it. He had been bedridden for the last few months (stage 4 since joining IRC) and we were the only friends that managed to cheer him up during his last days. Every single time that he had given us a date for anything we asked, he was merely trying to envision what his life would be if he recovered.

Many of us cried our hearts out that evening. For we could not come to terms with how blinded we had been and the struggles that our poor friend had to live with. For over an hour, weezer's mum recounted the numerous times that she saw her boy smiling at the computer and that in confidence, he told her how much we had meant to him. We had somehow, given him hope in this time of despair. He wanted his mum to "thank us" for being there for him during the final stages of his life.

My friends, even while I write this, I can still feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. What I had learned from my friend Weezer is to NEVER judge a book by its cover. NEVER underestimate the impact, no matter how small, you may have on another person and to ALWAYS treasure those around you.

I am eternally indebted to Weezer for teaching me these lessons in a time when he had nothing left to live for. It had been instrumental in shaping my thought process and the person that I believe I am today. Where-ever you may be, please know that you will forever be in the hearts of those that had the privilege of knowing you.