Dealing with people who love Misery

When someone repeatedly drains everyone around them, how do you maintain a sense of compassion without getting sucked into their negativity? How do you prevent them from falling deeper and deeper into self misery and still maintain your sanity in the process?

Resist the urge to judge or assume

When you think negative thoughts, it comes out in your body language. Someone prone to negativity may feel all too tempted to mirror that. Try coming at them with the positive mind-set you wish they had. Expect the best in them. You never know when you might be pleasantly surprised.

Dig deeper but stay out of the hole

It is always easy to offer compassion if you try and understand where they are coming from. But this cannot justify bad behaviour and if you show negative people you support their choice to behave badly, you give them no real incentive to make a change. It may help if you say this to them "I understand your pain. But I'm most helpful if I don't feed into it." This might help you approach them with both kindness and firmness so that you do not fall into the hole yourself.

Maintain a Positive boundary

Create a positive space with positive energy around you when dealing with negativity. Tell yourself the following:

• When the negativity is too strong to protect, I need to walk away momentarily.
• Help them feel more positive about themselves and things around them. It cannot all be negative.

Disarm their Negativity before attempting to address the problem

There are times when we feel the need to play an amateur psychiatrist just to get people to talk it out in the hope of letting them feel better. However, we need to remember to realign the negativity before trying to address the problems. When a person is filled with negativity, they just don't see the light! While we are unable to change the situation in one single phone call or conversation, we can certainly help him or her focus of the positive for now. Remind them of their last celebration or that Christmas is around the corner, etc. Sometimes it helps to try not to solve or fix them but to just calm them down for now.

Time and Temper an emotional response.

Negative people often gravitate towards others who react strongly with emotions. It may give them a little light in the darkness of their inner world and a sense that they are not alone. Timing an emotional response such as "This is absolutely outrageous!" may create a commonality which will showcase a certain level of empathy. Being emotionless may only allow them to feel alienated or that "you don't understand". It is crucial to time it with the right level of emotion without feeding into their negativity.

Play the Devil's Advocate

"Have you considered what might happen if you did the complete opposite of that?" At times, we need to remove ourselves from a caretaker's role and ask the difficult questions that the person might have been avoiding. It may or may not change their minds on how they feel but it should allow them to see things from a different perspective. At the end of the day, all we can control is to try and help without hurting ourselves in the process.

Don't take it personally

Expect the person to attack you personally at some point. Conventional wisdom suggests that you should never take things personally when you deal with a negative person. Despite the personal attack, one should realize that even an abrasive person may have a valid point to prove. Weigh their comments with a willingness to learn yet never take it personally.

Proaction instead of Reaction

Often, we wait until someone is angry or depressed before we attempt to rectify their negativity or problems. If you know someone is likely to fall into depression based on a given situation, warn them in advance or address the problem before it becomes a problem. Do not wait for a situation to turn bad before offering to create positive feelings. In most cases, it can be addressed and prevented in advance. You will also be more apt at succeeding before the pain sets in.

Accept and Love them for who they are

Most of us are constantly put in a position where we feel bad when unable to solve their problems. Though we may want them to be happy, we cannot change who they are. It is sometimes best to accept the reality of the person and give them space to make their choice. Remember, we are not able to live their lives for them. If it is time to gently bring the conversation to a close or speaking with them again in the morning when they are feeling better, do so. Sometimes fostering a sense of peace, though short-lived, is the best thing that we could do for them. Don't expect any instant changes but accept and love them for who they are.