Dealing With Loss of a Loved One

 

A very close long time friend who resides in both Canada and Hong Kong called me the other day to talk about coping with the death of a loved one.

 

At a young age, he lost his father to cancer and grew up with only his mother, an Aunt and his only sister. 2 years ago, his mum passed away after fighting cancer for more than 10 years. Just last week, his Aunt left too, from a stroke.

 

"Why does it keep happening over and over again? Just when the pain was starting to be manageable, BOOM, it hits again!" was his response to me.

 

I feel your pain and sincerely offer my deepest condolences. At this point, I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel like to go through this over and over again. I can only say that I am a telephone call away should you need to talk to someone. In the meantime, it is important to remember the following in order to help us move on.

 

 

Typical Symptoms of Grief:

 

Anger is probably the most common and often directed at someone you feel is responsible for the loss directly or indirectly. I remember you blaming your sis for not being around enough when mum passed. Let it go. No one is at fault, least of all you or your sis.

 

Irritability. You will suddenly feel irritated at the slightest issue. This may lead to you picking fights with people closest to you. Control it. Just because she never thanked you for the new car you bought for her doesn't mean that she isn't appreciative! Remember that like you, she is also coping with the loss to bear significance to things around her at the moment.

 

Withdrawal. For the first few months, you will feel the urge to withdraw yourself from your friends and social circle. While this is common in most people, shutting yourself up from the rest of the world is not going to help your recovery process. Open up! I would much rather you found comfort talking with family or close friends. You might also feel an emotional numbness during this process and that takes time to heal; but do not shut yourself from people who care about you!

 

Rumination occurs when a person continually focusses on the feelings of loss instead of trying to get over it. I know that you will want to reminisce all the good times with your lost loved one and preserving those precious memories is an absolute necessity. Unfortunately, overdoing this might also lead to clinical depression and sometimes the best way to overcome grief is to tell yourself to put these memories aside for the time-being and simply carry on living. Keep yourself occupied!

 

Substance Abuse. Sleeping pills, anti-anxiety meds, alcohol, drugs. The list goes on and some of it can be unavoidable at the beginning. However, a conscious effort at trying not to depend too much on these will go a long way in preventing a situation of addiction and abuse.

 

 

 

Tips for those in Grief:

 

Experience your grief in your own way. As long as you are not harming yourself or others, there is no wrong way to grieve.  Grief is a unique experience for everyone and the way you grieve may not be what others expect or what you expected for yourself.  Permitting yourself to honestly experience grief is an important step towards healing.

 

Give yourself time to grieve. After the passing of a loved one, there are often many arrangements to be made and others mourners to be supported and cared for.  While no one wants to shirk his duty, it is important to allow time for yourself to grieve as well.

 

Watch out for harmful behaviours. While experiencing anger is normal, it is important to manage that anger so that it doesn’t harm others. Also, grieving people are much more likely to develop problems with alcohol or other substances. Their use should be carefully monitored.

 

Call on your friends. Others, especially others who have had a similar loss, can be some of your strongest sources of support.

 

Know when to seek help. For most grieving, psychological counselling may be helpful but is not necessary. However, if you experience serious thoughts of suicide or self-harm or develop an alcohol or other drug problem, seek psychological care or CALL ME immediately.

 

Remember, a normal grieving period is between 2 to 3 months. If you are still in deep grief after this time, you will need to evaluate if professional help is required to help you move on. Remember that there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it.

 

Hang in there brother!